I Am The Doofus, Worst Bike Rider Ever

The journal of Dr. D. Doofus, Esq., the crappiest Cat IV bike rider on the planet, the only coach you should ever have, the only cycling journalist worth reading, and the guy who looks really, really, really sexy with a bucket on his head.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Teenagers Suck

Youth isn't wasted on the young. They get every last fucking bit of it they desreve, the little bastards.

Doof just got through with six races, five of which were won by kids. 18, 17-year-old kids. Doof crashed out of one of those races, thanks to the questionable bike handling of a couple of 19-year old kids. Doof got punked by an 18-year old kid -- he was up alongside him before the last lap of a crit, and was going to jump to catch the break when the kid looked at him, and Doof realized this kid had just won two races, and that this kid would hop right on the tail end of the Doof like he will his prom date in a few weeks. So Doof just slid back down the line. The kid was probably thinking about his algebra homework, the car he's finally going to get, or the condom that's been in his wallet for the last fifteen months. But he punked the 39-year old Doofus. No kidding.

Let those hormonal little rockettwerps have their own damn races -- that's what they should do. Wait. Yeah. The Category is Senior Men 18+. Open to juniors. Kindergarden Kamikazes some of them may be...but yeah...its their race. So, well, fuck it.

Doof has another idea. How about banning teenagers from races, period. Teenage boys suck. They're arrogant. Naive. Testosterone-rich and tact-poor. Stupid. Lean. Fast. Don't let any teenage boy near a start line. Let 'em into a strip club, where it'll do 'em so real good. Just don't let them race bikes. Please.

We'll allow teenage girls, sure. Racing would be a hell of a lot more fun, interesting, and meaningful, if the USCF started giving away 19-year-old ladies as primes and placing prizes. Yeah, it would take 100 years of civil rights, 250 years of property law, 500 years of humanism, and 1000 years of basic dignity down the drain -- but fuck all that. Wouldn't you want to sprint for the freshman homecoming queen of Central Georgia College, the keys to a hotel room, and no questions asked?

Doof will race again in a few weeks -- against a bunch of guys his own age. Keep the pledge class warm for us....


At March 18, 2006 at 1:40 PM, Blogger Moveitfred said...

Doofus, damn straight on the teens. Two years ago one of those little fucks hooked Moveitfred AFTER the race. Twenty yards past the finish line of some bullshit circuit and the little prick decided to bank across the road to take a sidestreet home to his momma. Dropped Moveitfred to the pavement like a wet fish.

Word on the female teen prizes though...

At March 19, 2006 at 3:09 AM, Anonymous captain surly said...

doof, this is another one of those times when you and you and the mouse both make perfect sense

At March 20, 2006 at 8:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

like I always say, letting wowen vote was one thing, letting them drive was a another

At March 29, 2006 at 2:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Geez, why dontcha just get out of the Cat 4s for gosh sakes? It ain't like being a Cat 3 is a challenge.

At April 7, 2006 at 2:18 PM, Blogger gwadzilla said...

ah the classes....

before I say anything
I need to say...
I am a mountainbiker
so I know nothing about the road culture
well.... what I see.. I see that it is different than the mountain bike culture
very different

get in a class where you do not need to deal with the teen agers who irk you so much
isn't there a fast 35+ category
or as the other road type said
get into Cat 3

somewhere there is a blog where teenage boys are complaining about someone's dad getting in their way at the last road race

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